Barry McManus, former CIA chief polygraph examiner and interrogator, has a process that has served him well. He approaches every conversation and interaction with curiosity. In his CIA role, Barry’s job was to extract information from some bad guys who, in most cases, were not interested in sharing. What can you learn about the people with whom you are interacting? It requires a keen ability to ask meaningful questions. In order to ask meaningful questions, you have to develop the skill to listen and be trusted.

When I think about why I view someone as impressive and intelligent, I realize that it is because of the quality of questions they ask. They ask insightful and high-quality questions because they are skilled listeners. They are able to see things that were missed, see alternatives, and think of creative new ways to leverage information to new applications. Further, to have someone look you in the eye, nod, and acknowledge what you are saying, is therapeutic. It provides calmness and comfort, resulting in trust.

The past year has exacerbated the lack of listening. Kate Murphy’s book, You’re Not Listening, highlights the need to listen, and the need to be listened to. A telling statistic is the rise in therapy sessions and Catholic church confessions. People are desperate to be listened to, so they seek places where people have to listen to them, like confessions and therapy. In our world of work from home, video, text, and social media, technology has fooled us into thinking we are connected. We are not.

Technology has created an environment where we think listening is no longer necessary. It is. Without listening, questioning, and meaningful exchanges, we merely have a one-way street with no real connection to the people around us. To listen poorly, or not at all, is to limit your understanding of the situation and deprive yourself of becoming the best person you can be.

When you respond with genuine interest to what people are saying and encourage them to tell you more, they seem surprised, as if it is a novel experience. Try it. They notably relax and become more thoughtful and thorough in their responses. When someone speaks to you, it is like they are tossing a ball to you. Half or no listening is having your arms pinned to your sides and the ball hitting you in the chest and falling to the ground.

Listening skills provide a competitive advantage. Spend some time working on this. Start with your next interaction. Approach the interaction with curiosity. Why does the person you are speaking with believe in their position? What have their experiences been? How many children do they have? How are they doing managing work from home?

Keep pulling on these threads of information while you are looking them in the eye, nodding, and asking follow-up questions. When you engage with your audience, it improves your understanding of the situation and strengthens your relationship. Also, realize that listening is not just something you do when someone else is talking. It is also what you should do while you are talking. Is the other person still engaged? Are they indicating real interest? Read the nonverbal cues.

I have a sign on my computer that says, “Stop Talking”. This is my reminder to ask the question, then stop talking to allow the other person to respond. It is also my cue to listen to what they are saying rather than prepare the next point that I want to make. The best compliment that I receive from my clients is, “I really enjoy our conversations.” What they mean is, “I appreciate that you are interested in what I have to say.”

Although it is true that I am interested in what they are saying, what they are feeling is the experience of being encouraged to speak freely without interruption and with genuine interest. How can I coach an executive, or build a relationship with someone, if I don’t know what they are thinking and why they do what they do? How can we lead without knowing what our people, partners, and customers are feeling? Don’t let technology fool you into thinking you are communicating. With technology, you are broadcasting.

Great leaders are great communicators and great communicators are great listeners. They understand the concerns and emotions of their people because they listen. These leaders are skilled in audience-centric communication. The same applies to relationships, both personal and professional. How can you trust someone you know nothing about? How can you get to common ground without making the effort to understand the people with whom you are interacting, on a deeper level? You cannot. You need to listen.

Take the time to approach your interactions and relationships with curiosity and interest. I guarantee that you will stand out in whatever you do and have a lot more fun doing it. People are fascinating.

If you are interested in some deeper research on listening, take the time to read Kate Murphy’s book, You’re Not Listening. It inspired me to be a better leader through listening.